I am taking Brene Brown's Course, The Gifts of Imperfection. The format works for me-daily lessons or prompts. This week, I've managed to stay on top of it in spite of the fact that I had to have dental survey yesterday that totally unglued me. Actually, as unpleasant as the procedure was, I haven't been dreadfully uncomfortable. Yesterday, we "connected" with classmates-kind of like I "connect" here which, again, really isn't connecting unless we begin a dialogue. In any case, people share their journals via Instagram and Twitter (nope, no Twitter-never say never, but for now...) Once the sharing started, my insecurities grabbed hold---AAAAHHH-NO, I am NOT enough. I didn't do enough, dig deep enough, create well enough. This, my friends, is the purpose of this course. This was the intention of this week's lesson. So while I created this page, I wrote the words, clearly I do not believe them yet...will I? At the end of this course, will I decide I am enough?
Another assignment...a list of those you trust with your heart, those you can share with, confide in, feel perfectly safe with, those whose opinions DO matter. It's intended to be a short, very private list, and it's unlikely that I will ever reveal the names of the folks on that list. I wrote them down at the same time realizing that because their opinions DO matter to me, I am not likely to share ALL of my deepest darkest secrets.
Now, to dig deep. I do not have an artsy-fartsy page to share here yet. It was written while I was in a slight drug haze following the surgery. Perhaps, not the best decision! I'm not supposed to have my head down for any period of time so I haven't decorated the page-dressed it up, and the penmanship on this page is not something I'm particularly proud of. I'm not "supposed" to tear out pages-so, how about I leave it and just do a new one right beside it? ARGH.
I'm at the end of the first week. This course is challenging me as it's goal is to literally change the way I function, the way I think about myself! That's a mighty tall order! I've held a list of beliefs about myself for a long, long, LONG time. It has been a list that has at times paralyzed me, made me (and perhaps others) miserable, kept me from trying and/or doing things, stolen my joy. Old habits, really old habits die hard assuming they can, in fact die.
This is me being courageous, sharing this less than extraordinary "work". This is me trying desperately trying to let go of self deprecating remarks, and the feeling that I am not enough. This is me faking it until I make it!